“Rachel, seeing that she herself gave Jacob no children, became jealous of her sister. And she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I shall die!” (Genesis 30:1)
It happened again. I allowed myself to be distracted by children at Mass yesterday.
In the pew in front of me was a mom with identical twin boys who appeared to be about fourteen years old, and two additional sons in the six to nine age range. All of the children behaved beautifully, and the older boys each helped a younger one follow along in the missalette
And I cried. And when I received Jesus in Holy Communion I apologized to Him for being so transfixed by this family, and then I cried again, in His arms…..like countless other times.
Sometimes the cross of infertility falls with crushing weight upon me, even after all these years….decades. I writhe beneath this cross, my face pressed into a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing else in my life has ever caused me such aching, screaming, exhausting pain….not even having endured the cancer which did not take my life, but which wrenched from me the precious gift of giving life.
For four long and painful years, we had tried to conceive without success. Then came my totally unexpected diagnosis. Everyone else worried about my survival, while I mourned the fair-haired babies who would never be. The children I had dreamed about all those years, when my husband would press his ear to my tummy and playfully ask, “Anybody in there yet?”
Those who read my blog regularly, know that I have an adopted son. And I want to state emphatically that this grief in no way diminishes the love I have for my son. When my four-week old infant boy was placed into my arms, I experienced a love I had never known before. I was “in love,” and my precious baby occupied not only my waking moments, but my dreams as well….
I no longer avoided baby showers, or wept when I had to buy a baby gift. Those once dreaded reminders were now a source of joy for me.
I was so happy raising my son that I pushed the pain of never having conceived and given birth deep down into a hidden place in my heart. And, for the most part, it stayed there….until he grew up.
It is impossible to explain the pain of terminal infertility, which describes the condition wherein a child has never and will never be conceived.
During the years when my friends were having babies, I felt like an outcast. It wasn’t their fault. I simply could not participate in those pregnancy, labor, delivery, nursing, rite of passage conversations which women have bonded over since the beginning of time. I was an outsider, and always would be. (And was told as much by at least one well-meaning “friend.”)
When my sister got pregnant, she sobbed when she told me, both times. And I wept for her, that her joy had to be tinged with sorrow because of my infertility. And I wept for myself as well, because we had always shared everything, but I couldn’t share the miracle she was experiencing inside of her. I helped her shop for maternity clothes, and gave her baby showers and was there when her boys were born, but I couldn’t really understand…..
God’s very first commandment to Adam and Eve was, “Be fruitful and multiply….” I feel as though that command was seared into my soul when my husband and I received the Sacrament of Marriage.
And it remains, unfulfilled, and yearning, burning, demanding to be satiated.
The night before my hysterectomy, alone in my hospital room, I caressed my abdomen and said goodbye to my dreams of watching that belly swell with new life, and of seeing the joy and wonder on my husband’s face as we cradled a child we had created together…..the fruit of our love, and a part of us who would live on when we were gone.
I hurriedly scribbled in my journal, “tomorrow, that beautiful part of me created to give life will be gone forever… “ and then the sleeping pill stole my consciousness. I was 27 years old.
And yes, I am often distracted by families I see at Mass, those with older children as well as those with little ones. And, I blink back tears when my husband expresses concern about the young couple a few pews up, who lost a baby, and who are now expecting again. It’s not that I don’t care about them or that I don’t pray for a happy outcome this time. But his tender interest in a pregnant woman innocently revives that awful feeling of failure which comes with infertility.
As I type, I am wondering if anyone will even read this far. I guess I am really writing this for myself. It is how I deal with the pain…. try to take it out of me and put it into words.
I have hardly even mentioned God in all of this, but He has held me in every moment of this sorrow, and has caught all of my tears in His Heart. Without Him, I would have gone mad with the pain.
He has given me the grace to accept without understanding, and to trust when it all seems unbearable.
And when I told Him I was sorry I had trouble carrying this cross, and that I wish He didn’t have to see my tears, He told me that He fell beneath His Own Cross, and that He too cried during His Passion. And He reminded me that we are never more dear to His Heart than when, covered in blood and tears, we fix out eyes on Him, and allow Him to pick us up when we stumble, and to carry us when we need relief.
Then He said it was okay to admire the children in Church, and that He admires them too and that they bring Him great joy.
Finally, He said:
Wait and see! One day, you will be so surprised, and you will never cease to thank Me for this heavy cross I have chosen for you…….but how pleased My Sacred Heart would be if you would thank Me NOW…..and simply have faith in My Infinite Goodness.
Yes, thank Me, and when the pain is too great, rest awhile on My Heart, burning with Love, that Heart which would never permit you to suffer one moment more than is necessary for My Glory and your eternal happiness. Wait and see, My child.
Wait and see!